The Secret I Didn't Know I Was Learning
"The Unseen Lesson in Every 'Waiting Room' of Life" - Part 1 of 2
In the early 1980’s, I was sitting at my desk in Century City when my world crumbled in a single conversation. “The company is relocating,” my supervisor said. Just like that, I was back in a place I knew all too well: survival mode.
But what I didn’t know then, and what took me forty years to truly grasp, is that survival mode isn’t just a season of loss; it’s a hidden classroom.
Thousands of years before my layoff, the Apostle Paul sat in a different kind of confinement, learning a secret to thriving that has nothing to do with our circumstances and everything to do with our Source.
* * *
Over the years, I was laid off seven, maybe eight times. I stopped counting. It happened so often that the shock eventually faded, but the sting never did.
I worked for large companies during a season when mergers were everywhere. Job stability had become a relic of my parents’ generation. Companies weren’t loyal to employees anymore. They were loyal to shareholders. To Wall Street. To the bottom line. And when it came time to cut costs, I seemed to be an easy target.
Because I was single and no children to all my own, the assumption was always: She’ll be fine. With her experience, she’ll land on her feet.
But what they didn’t see was the mental toll of starting over. Again. And again. And again.
* * *
Each time, the same questions came flooding in:
How am I going to pay rent?
How am I going to keep the lights on?
How am I going to pay my car note?
Why me? I didn’t do anything wrong. Why not someone else?
I didn’t have anyone to lean on. No safety net. No partner to split the bills. Just me, a stack of responsibilities, and a severance check that might cover two or three months if I stretched it.
And here’s the part I’m not proud of: I didn’t even apply for unemployment. Not because I didn’t qualify. I did. I had worked for that benefit. But my pride got in the way.
I had been collecting a paycheck since I was fourteen years old. Before that, I was seven years old, sending off for greeting cards to sell in my neighborhood, making my own money. My dad always told me, “Look out for number one.” So I did. I learned to be independent. I learned to handle things on my own. I learned that asking for help meant risking rejection.
So I didn’t ask. I took temp jobs that barely paid the bills. I scraped by. And I kept telling myself I was fine.
* * *
But the truth? My confidence had taken too many hits. Somewhere along the way, the layoffs, the instability, the constant starting over, it all added up. And instead of pushing myself toward what I was capable of, I just... settled.
I was working on my bachelor’s degree during this time, chipping away at it between jobs, taking out loans to finish what I had started. It took me almost twenty years to complete once I finally committed to just finishing. But even with that degree in hand, the sense of abandonment from all those job losses, the echoes of my father’s “couldn’ts, shouldn’ts, and wouldn’ts,” the weight of bad relationships... it all kept me from stretching into what God had for me.
I didn’t know it then, but I was living in survival mode. And survival mode doesn’t leave room for dreaming. It was as though I was in my own ‘mental’ jail cell.
* * *
Most of this happened before I was saved. It was 1995 when I finally said yes to Jesus, about twenty years after graduating high school. And then it took another twenty years after that before I truly understood that He is my main source of everything.
Forty years of learning what should have been so simple: I am not alone. I was never alone.
But in the middle of it, in the Century City layoff and the seven that followed, I didn’t know that yet. I was white-knuckling my way through life, trying to be strong enough, independent enough, resilient enough.
And I was exhausted.
Maybe You Know This Place
Maybe you’re there right now. Not necessarily losing jobs, but losing ground. Losing confidence. Losing the ability to imagine something better because you’ve been knocked down too many times to risk hoping again.
Maybe your “why me?” sounds different than mine, but the weight of it feels the same.
If that’s you, I want you to know: I see you. And more importantly, God sees you. He sees the hits you’ve taken. He sees the pride that keeps you from asking for help. He sees the settling you’ve done because stretching feels too dangerous.
And He has something to say about all of it.
There’s a secret I didn’t know I was learning during all those hard years. A secret the Apostle Paul wrote about from his own prison cell. And next week, I want to share it with you.
Because it changed everything for me. And I believe it can do the same for you.
A Prayer for You
Lord, I lift up my sister who is reading this right now. You know the losses she’s experienced, the times she’s had to start over, the questions she’s whispered in the dark. You see the places where her confidence has been bruised and the dreams she’s been afraid to hold onto.
Meet her where she is. Not where she thinks she should be. Right here. Right now. Remind her that she is not alone, that she never was, even when it felt that way.
Begin to plant in her heart the secret that sustained Paul, the same secret You’ve been teaching me across the decades of my own messy, beautiful life. Prepare her heart to receive it.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.🙏🏼
Your Turn: “Have you ever felt like you were just white-knuckling your way through life, too exhausted to dream? I’ve been there, and I’d love to hear your story in the comments.”
If you know a sister who is currently ‘losing ground’ and needs to hear that she isn’t alone, please share this with her.
Next week, we’ll dive into the secret Paul discovered that can move us from simply surviving to truly thriving.”
–With Blessings and joy, Tina💖